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Hallo-whore-ween

Written by northernbelle

Well I think that I can honestly say that there is one thing I don’t miss about college. What is it you ask? What could I possibly not miss dearly? It’s not the late night dance parties, the cheap booze or the fun times with friends. It’s not that big, beautiful FREE gym; the all you can eat dining hall or the low apartment rent. No the one thing I don’t miss about college is Halloween. Yes, that’s right, Halloween.

You’ve all seen Mean Girls. Cady said it right, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Oh but girls do say something about it, behind your back that is. I don’t know if it’s tradition at my school or what, but I’ve never seen such slutastic Halloween costumes in my life. Let me give you the standard Halloween costume for a girl at my school: bra, boy-cut undies, sheer stockings (with garters), high heels and wings (they’re the most important part!). And when asked what they are, they all say the same thing, “I’m an angel.” Yea right you’re an angel. They spend the whole night adjusting each other’s wings, which keep falling off as they get drunker and drunker, and dancing on one another. Any normal female reading this right now can commiserate with me, and as for you males…well, stop drooling.

I was really looking forward to my first Halloween away from college. I was hoping to see some funny, creative costumes and less of the “I’m a huge whore” costumes that I have been so accustomed to seeing. But then I looked at the calendar and low and behold, when does Halloween fall…right on my Homecoming. I can’t miss my first Homecoming as an alumna, but am I going to survive the little freshman running around barely naked? I’m even more cynical than I was while in school (if that’s possible), and I just might go a little crazy.

As I mentally prepare for the weekend to come, let’s go back and remember the best (which really means worst) hussy Halloween costumes I’ve seen at my school. Here are the top five off the list:

5. The Playboy Bunny

Do I even have to say anything here? The minute I see those bunny ears running around I was to scream. Most of those girls will probably end up in Playboy at some point anyway. I guess they’re just trying to get comfortable with those ears on their head.

4. The Construction Worker/Fireman/Policeman

This costume involves a low cut top, short tight skirt/shorts and high-heeled boots that go up to the knee. Not too crazy, I know. But the worst part of this collection of costumes is the props…the endless supply of props that can be used. The Construction Worker can wear an orange vest with nothing under it (eek!) and have a tool belt full of goodies. The Fireman can have a horrible saying on her shirt (“I’ll hose you down,” “Let me put out your fire,” etc.). The Policeman can carry handcuffs (enough said).

3. Eve (as in Adam & Eve)

I seriously saw a girl wearing the following items: a practically see-through nude colored body suit with a few strategically placed fake ivy leaves on her body. No seriously, the girl was basically NAKED. That’s not Biblical that’s just nasty.

2. Girl Scout

I will give this girl some credit for creativity but she totally killed the innocence of Girl Scout cookies and badges. She was wearing a microscopic plaid skirt, high socks, heels and a green beret over her angelic braids. But the worst part of the costume…she was wearing the green Girl Scout sash over her chest—and NOTHING ELSE! No shirt, no tank top, no bra, nothing. I think I saw some nip pop out at one point. Ick, ick, ick.

1. Angel

The angel will always rank highest on my list of horrible, slutty, “I’m a huge whore and I want everyone to know it,” Halloween costumes. I explained the costume earlier and it’s just so ridiculous and typical and Victoria Secretesque that is simply makes me want to throw up.

I think there are plenty of other Halloween costumes that can be fun and festive. When I was little I rocked out a great costume every year. I have dressed up as: a NY Yankee, a pumpkin (I think I was a pumpkin for a few years in a row), a nurse (I had the cutest little cape), Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, a clown, a ballerina, an 80s girl, my freshman year roommate and yes, even once a cop (but I was the most conservative cop EVER). My best costume by far was sophomore year of college when I was a nerd. A nerd you ask? There was something about that night that was so much fun and so perfect and I definitely think it was the nerd costume (or maybe the pitcher of margaritas I drank before we went out). Anyway, I wore a skirt, tall socks, a buttoned-down shirt, a bowtie, nerd glasses, (black and taped together) and had my hair all in a mess. I also wore quite the “I’m a loser” expression on my face. My roommate kept joking with me the next day because even though I looked ridiculous, I had never been hit on by so many guys in my life.

So that is the moral of my story right there. Ladies, instead of sluttin’ it up this Halloween, wear a funny costume that you are comfortable in. It’s so easy to take a kid’s costume and adapt it to an adult. And it’s totally acceptable to wear a classic costume…say a witch or something. Just go all out by wearing a wig, make up and black pointy hat. No one made Halloween the one holiday to act like a whore…if you really want to dress like that, then step it up and have the balls to do that on a random Friday night, don’t wait around for October 31st. There are thousands of websites out there with great costume ideas that don’t require huge amounts of cleavage or wings (no wings please, unless you’re a fairy or a bubble bee or something).

My roommate and I are having a small Halloween party this week and I’m sure you’ll all wondering what I’m going to be (I say that like there are tons of people who read this column and even those who do care…but I will continue to humor myself). I almost decided to reprise the nerd costume, which may have to happen if we go out dressed up one night, but I was in the mall on Sunday and stumbled upon something so ridiculous that I had to buy it. Needless to say I will be comfortable and covered up, but I will of course look damn sexy and yes probably a little hilarious (I tend to pull off that combo somehow…wink, wink). I will tell you about my roomie. She is going to be a mad scientist from the 80s. She is going to wear a lab coat from work, my nerdy glasses, and crimp her hair (she just loves that crimper!). She is going to be something creative, fun and comfortable—my kinda costume.

Wish me luck at Homecoming/Halloween! And don’t worry guys; there will be plenty of girls running around in those typical Halloween costumes for you to oogle at. It just wouldn’t be the same without them. FYI, ladies, if you are wearing a costume with wings and some crazy girl comes up and rips them off you, swearing about Halloween whores under her breathe, it’s probably me. Pay no attention; just continue to make out with the random guy you just met…who’s dressed up as Paris Hilton.